The Depression Fiesta

Love. A word that is heavily overused. It’s not every day that a person gets to really experience love. Love is one of the things that has fucked me up more than anything. Whether that was the love -or lack thereof- from a family and friends or the love of a significant other. 

A child is often happiest when feeling the love of their parents. Guess what, I didn’t particularly have that. Big shock, huh? 

The father. Let’s talk about that first. My “father’s” name is Gerald (Jerry) Lee Lewis. Obviously not THAT Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry is an enigma to me. A phantom. He was never really there. Why? I’m not particularly sure. It could have been how much I wasn’t actually like him. 

See, I am a gamer. This isn’t a shock to those that have seen my writing at Galactic Gaming News. Jerry had no interest. I’m not sure if he saw my game-playing to be a way to not converse, or if he saw it as a distraction from my schoolwork that I wasn’t doing. That’s right, I was a horrible student. 

Jerry is a well-educated man. How well-educated? I’m not honestly sure. I just know that he is regarded at a very intelligent man. Others know him better that I, so I just take their word. 

My parents hated one another. I’m not positive as to why, but apparently it had to do with Jerry cheating on my mother and marrying the woman he cheated with. Yeah, he isn’t exactly known for his idea of loyalty. Luckily, I am the complete opposite. 

To completely transition from my “daddy issues”, loyalty is one of my strongest assets. I stay loyal to others almost always. Of course, I can’t stay loyal to the un-loyal for too long. Though I am a very loyal person, others in my life haven’t been. At one point in my life I was engaged. Sure, I was 19 and that may have been too young, but I was in love. I thought it was love at least, but hindsight is 20/20. (I know that many friends know this story, but bare with me.) In one huge moment, I lost everything. Said girl was cheating on me with my best friend at the time. I lost my best friend, a friend that was (and to this day IS) like a brother to me, and my fiance. As it turns out, this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But my issues with trusting others is a huge thing now.

My best friend, Uriah, is a huge deal to me. We have been through a lot. Whether it be our disagreements over who-knows-what, we have stuck together. We are both very self-aware of what we are doing. Yes, like most friendships, we have absolutely given up on each other, but I have never stopped having his back. Cliche? Yes. But it’s a true statement. There have been many times when he has picked me up when I have been down and vice-versa. Though, lately he has been busy with other things right now, I understand.

Understanding seems to be another one of my strong suits.

Recently enough, I have fallen in love. REAL love. Yes, it exists. Though, I have really fucked up a lot recently. Her name is Alyssa. Alyssa is way different from what I am used to. I am used to bitchy girls that treat me like absolute shit. So, what is wrong? ME! 

I have issues. What sort of issues? Obviously a lot of issues. I have been in a horrible state of depression lately. I am not sure why, but I don’t like it. In return, I have decided to start blogging about it in a very open manner. So, here it goes: Alyssa is a perfect match for me. It’s a scary thought. I am not accustomed to things being so good and to being honestly loved. Some have even speculated that I am gay because of my piss poor relationships. 

Lately things have been bumpy for us. Alyssa is very independent and I am not. I can handle being alone, but I can’t remain that way. Alyssa has a job, I don’t. We live about 45 minutes apart, and neither of us have a vehicle. My lack of a job makes me work harder as a writer at GGN and I neglect everything on the outside of GGN. I become obsessed with my future and making a career out of games journalism. This shouldn’t be an excuse, but it tends to be the way that it really is. 

I long for the day that I can present her with a ring and start a family, though, at this rate, it might not happen. I have shut down due to my depression. For the first time in a long time, I haven’t been open with anyone about how bad it has gotten. My girlfriend doesn’t know how fucked up I am right now and neither does Uriah. On a side-note, my family is completely oblivious to the fact that I have been having these issues. 

I am good at hiding these things, but that will be for the next post…

About my beliefs: 

Hello. My name is Eric Lee Lewis and I am a lesser known games journalist. I am a writer at Galactic Gaming News. And to be honest, I feel very at home there. It’s not that I want to be there forever, as I would like to eventually make a name for myself and do anything that I can to help others.

I am a very charitable person. I believe that as a human, it is in my best interest to help others. Well, that and it is the only way that I get any sense of self-worth. Yep, that is a very honest statement and you should expect nothing less. You see, up until I was about 18, I was a habitual liar. I was so good at it that I often times started to believe my own bullshit. One day I just decided to stop lying and start being completely honest, and you will get nothing but honesty from me here.

I often look at the way I used to lie and connect it to the lies that I was fed (and willingly ate). I was never allowed the ability to think for myself for a lot of my life. It’s mainly my fault, but I didn’t question much. I was told about Santa Claus and if I started to not believe, I was heavily reprimanded. The same thing affected me when it came to the idea of “God”. 

Yes, I am an atheist. Well, if that term means much of anything. Hell, I don’t even know if I should consider myself as an atheist. I think I should probably explain this: I don’t believe in the invisible friend in a place called “Heaven”. No, in fact, I believe that every person has the ability to be a “God”. People wrote the Bible and got you to believe, right? What if you stopped to research what you really feel these were questions I asked myself a lot. 

I was a very devout Christian. God was everything to me, to the point that I had wanted to be a reverend. I had read the Bible six times by the time I was 16. But, around the fourth time through, I started using my brain. I started thinking critically. Critical thinking is never a good thing when it comes to the idea of Christianity. We are told to behave as good boys and girls with the hope of a reward in the end (Somewhat stolen line from Dr. Frankenstein in the original Day of the Dead). Eventually I put two-and-two together and stopped believing because I saw how everything really was. I became a realist.

Being an atheist is often times hazardous on the way that the public views somebody. I am often looked at as evil due to the fact that I don’t believe in the idea of having an invisible friend that is of a supposed greater power than yourself. But, I view myself as a pretty good person. In fact, as mentioned earlier, I do what I can to help others. I think a lot about charity and anything else that I can to help. This isn’t for any gain on my own part. This is simply to allow others the knowledge that there are people out there that do care. I am the type of person that cares about others that I may not even personally know. But forgive me not, for I am evil?