Love. A word that is heavily overused. It’s not every day that a person gets to really experience love. Love is one of the things that has fucked me up more than anything. Whether that was the love -or lack thereof- from a family and friends or the love of a significant other.
A child is often happiest when feeling the love of their parents. Guess what, I didn’t particularly have that. Big shock, huh?
The father. Let’s talk about that first. My “father’s” name is Gerald (Jerry) Lee Lewis. Obviously not THAT Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry is an enigma to me. A phantom. He was never really there. Why? I’m not particularly sure. It could have been how much I wasn’t actually like him.
See, I am a gamer. This isn’t a shock to those that have seen my writing at Galactic Gaming News. Jerry had no interest. I’m not sure if he saw my game-playing to be a way to not converse, or if he saw it as a distraction from my schoolwork that I wasn’t doing. That’s right, I was a horrible student.
Jerry is a well-educated man. How well-educated? I’m not honestly sure. I just know that he is regarded at a very intelligent man. Others know him better that I, so I just take their word.
My parents hated one another. I’m not positive as to why, but apparently it had to do with Jerry cheating on my mother and marrying the woman he cheated with. Yeah, he isn’t exactly known for his idea of loyalty. Luckily, I am the complete opposite.
To completely transition from my “daddy issues”, loyalty is one of my strongest assets. I stay loyal to others almost always. Of course, I can’t stay loyal to the un-loyal for too long. Though I am a very loyal person, others in my life haven’t been. At one point in my life I was engaged. Sure, I was 19 and that may have been too young, but I was in love. I thought it was love at least, but hindsight is 20/20. (I know that many friends know this story, but bare with me.) In one huge moment, I lost everything. Said girl was cheating on me with my best friend at the time. I lost my best friend, a friend that was (and to this day IS) like a brother to me, and my fiance. As it turns out, this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But my issues with trusting others is a huge thing now.
My best friend, Uriah, is a huge deal to me. We have been through a lot. Whether it be our disagreements over who-knows-what, we have stuck together. We are both very self-aware of what we are doing. Yes, like most friendships, we have absolutely given up on each other, but I have never stopped having his back. Cliche? Yes. But it’s a true statement. There have been many times when he has picked me up when I have been down and vice-versa. Though, lately he has been busy with other things right now, I understand.
Understanding seems to be another one of my strong suits.
Recently enough, I have fallen in love. REAL love. Yes, it exists. Though, I have really fucked up a lot recently. Her name is Alyssa. Alyssa is way different from what I am used to. I am used to bitchy girls that treat me like absolute shit. So, what is wrong? ME!
I have issues. What sort of issues? Obviously a lot of issues. I have been in a horrible state of depression lately. I am not sure why, but I don’t like it. In return, I have decided to start blogging about it in a very open manner. So, here it goes: Alyssa is a perfect match for me. It’s a scary thought. I am not accustomed to things being so good and to being honestly loved. Some have even speculated that I am gay because of my piss poor relationships.
Lately things have been bumpy for us. Alyssa is very independent and I am not. I can handle being alone, but I can’t remain that way. Alyssa has a job, I don’t. We live about 45 minutes apart, and neither of us have a vehicle. My lack of a job makes me work harder as a writer at GGN and I neglect everything on the outside of GGN. I become obsessed with my future and making a career out of games journalism. This shouldn’t be an excuse, but it tends to be the way that it really is.
I long for the day that I can present her with a ring and start a family, though, at this rate, it might not happen. I have shut down due to my depression. For the first time in a long time, I haven’t been open with anyone about how bad it has gotten. My girlfriend doesn’t know how fucked up I am right now and neither does Uriah. On a side-note, my family is completely oblivious to the fact that I have been having these issues.
I am good at hiding these things, but that will be for the next post…